We were just walking side by side, talking casually during Walking this afternoon. It was easy and comfortable. I had had a grand day socially, with a free and an assembly spent among friends. But then he darted off without reason and walked with someone else, laughing and having a great time, for the rest of the walk, leaving me hurt, confused, and alone. I suppose, thinking rationally, that he didn't dart off, he said he was going to go say hello to someone and walked off. I suppose it had nothing to do with me, and I don't really care anyway. But it's impossible not to feel crushed when I actually took a positive risk (as people seem to put it these days) and talked to someone with whom I wasn't already friends, only to be abandoned (though I guess I wasn't, it felt that way). Suddenly it had become a negative risk and I felt scared and sad and frustrated and disappointed. It brought back all the pain of my last social rejection, a pain from which I thought I had recovered. My soaring self-esteem plummeted. But I refuse to dwell on it. I had an excellent free with excellent friends. I probably will have forgotten the incident by tomorrow morning. Besides, who needs more friends when I already have the most amazing ones imaginable?
A cherished friend gave up the ghost today. His name was Eurycotis floridana, the Florida woods cockroach. His lease on life was long expired, so I suppose it shouldn’t be that much of a surprise, but it still saddens me. I found him on February 20, 2012, under a palmetto frond in a small park in Cape Coral, Florida. Yes, 2012, you heard that correctly. His was a species that never invades houses; a benign creature that helps break down plant material in an ecosystem. He had no defenses except for one: a chemical cocktail that he sprayed at me when I grabbed him for the first time. Most would find the smell intolerable, but I found that I enjoyed it, strange as that sounds. He survived the journey to Maine, and took up residence in a terrarium in my living room. I fed him fresh apples, grapes, blueberries, and all sorts of fruits and vegetables that he never would have had the chance to dine upon in the wild. Over time, he grew comfortable with me, to the point where he wouldn’t even spray his defensive chemicals at me. Now, a year and eight months later, his life comes to an end. He won’t be forgotten.
My mother always says (never a good way to begin) that I always move aside for others. She doesn't put it quite like that, of course, but nonetheless, she's right. I do tend to let others have their way. Today, I needed to go into town to buy a birthday gift for a friend. I had reminded her yesterday and again this morning, and both times she said that we could go, it wouldn't be a problem. Imagine my surprise when this evening it seemed that she had decided that we needed to go directly home to help my father move the cows. "But you promised," I reminded her. She caved in, and we driving back into town this is what she said. "You know, it's not always about you. You need to take the needs of others into consideration when you make plans like this." I couldn't believe it. It can't be both ways. Here I was, trying to do something for myself for a change (since that's always what she complains about) and she was disappointed in me. It was a rough drive in.
Over the weekend I went to see some friends from Chewonki who live in Boston. It was really good to see them, but hard because I miss them so much. I ended up talking for a long time with one of them about moving on. He said it was time to move on from the semester. He said it was over and holding on would make me even more sad. I am still tied up in the sadness of wanting to go back. He is right, it is over and it might be the best option to move on. But I was disappointed that it seemed he had let go of the semester so completely. I felt like I was alone in wanting to go back there where I was so happy and free. He made me feel silly for wanting bring Chewonki back into my life at home. Maybe I should be disappointed in him. He is trying to keep the worlds separate, but I think they should be mixed as much as possible. I am sad and a little disappointed he doesn’t see it the same way.
Although there were :50 seconds still on the clock, everybody in the Civic Center knew the game was over. "That's why we practiced it so much yesterday! You can't let her do that!" my coach screamed at me, but we both knew it was in vain. The play was over and another chance would not come. I had failed to box out on a foul shot and an opposing player had slipped by me and put in the missed shot stretching their lead from 1 to 3 points. The two points were the difference in the game, it was obvious there was not enough time for us to make up such a large deficit. My coach just hung his head after those two sentences, there was nothing more to say. Although I was just a freshman playing in my first basketball play offs and the player who beat me was a senior and one of the best players in the state, I took it hard. To this day, my stomach still balls up in knots when I think about that play. Almost every time I play basketball by myself I think about those two points and the disappointment on my coaches face.
I am disappointed in American music. Why has the quality of music devolved so significantly in recent years? A few days ago, I was playing Pandora quietly while I did my tedious math assignment. A song came on called "The Fox" and I looked up from my math homework in complete and utter bewilderment. I could not believe what I was hearing. I immediately texted my friend a link to the song and we agreed that it was horrible but that it must be a joke, as there was no other explanation. I had forgotten about this until today, when I was told that the song had just reached number one on iTunes. The first lyric is, "Dog goes 'woof' Cat goes 'meow' Bird goes 'tweet' And mouse goes 'squeek'." I don't understand how this can be considered music, never mind in comparison to the quality music in America's history, but even alone, this is disappointing. I know I am only 17, but I grew up listening to my parent's music so I feel a stronger connection to Elton John and The Beatles than I do to Hillary Duff and Lil Romeo. I don't have a solution to this problem, nor is there really anyone to blame, so I am blaming the nation as a whole and that is where I am channeling my disappointment.
People are always telling me how quiet I am. As a baby, my parents took this as a compliment, having a baby that did not cry in public was a good thing, but as I grew up, being an introvert became more of a burden than expected. It meant when I was suddenly called on without time to prepare and perfect my answer, I would turn red, not breathe enough, and start to panic. It meant being worried about friendships and what people would think of me if I were too shy to talk them, but worst of all, it meant an impact on my grades. At first, it meant an “A” for “Area of Concern” in class participation, but now, it means, on average, 15% of my grade. I am haunted by that percentage, especially as I am applying to college. I feel disappointed in myself knowing that if I was not born and raised to be an “internal thinker”, I could be 15% better.
I really like this, Emily! Well, not the part where you're disappointed you're not 15% better, but I really like how you wrote it. I think it touches on a topic everyone can relate to: that no matter how hard you work you might sometimes fall short. I really like how you explained how being quieter has effected you through the years. I also like the physical description you add of when you get uncomfortable; it really puts me in the your shoes. The last sentence really makes me think; the way you translate grades to just being "better," is both intriguing and saddening because I know that grades don't dictate how inherently "good" someone is, but I think to everyone at some point or another, it really feels like that. Again, really well done.
Fall is usually one of my favorite seasons, but I've grown tired of it this year. This is the first year where I have truly acknowledged just how utterly annoying this weather is because it can't decide if it still wants to be warm or if it's ready to move into winter. It bothers me and I find myself wishing for the snow. The sweet, slow motion of watching the white flakes fall to the ground through the frosted window pane. I yearn for that as I lay in my bed underneath the warm covers. I want to be able to wear a sweater to school in the morning, and not have to take it off by the end of the day. I would just really like it if I didn't have to plan for a sudden spike in temperature. So, please, winter, come faster.
We were just walking side by side, talking casually during Walking this afternoon. It was easy and comfortable. I had had a grand day socially, with a free and an assembly spent among friends. But then he darted off without reason and walked with someone else, laughing and having a great time, for the rest of the walk, leaving me hurt, confused, and alone.
ReplyDeleteI suppose, thinking rationally, that he didn't dart off, he said he was going to go say hello to someone and walked off. I suppose it had nothing to do with me, and I don't really care anyway. But it's impossible not to feel crushed when I actually took a positive risk (as people seem to put it these days) and talked to someone with whom I wasn't already friends, only to be abandoned (though I guess I wasn't, it felt that way). Suddenly it had become a negative risk and I felt scared and sad and frustrated and disappointed. It brought back all the pain of my last social rejection, a pain from which I thought I had recovered. My soaring self-esteem plummeted.
But I refuse to dwell on it. I had an excellent free with excellent friends. I probably will have forgotten the incident by tomorrow morning. Besides, who needs more friends when I already have the most amazing ones imaginable?
A cherished friend gave up the ghost today. His name was Eurycotis floridana, the Florida woods cockroach. His lease on life was long expired, so I suppose it shouldn’t be that much of a surprise, but it still saddens me. I found him on February 20, 2012, under a palmetto frond in a small park in Cape Coral, Florida. Yes, 2012, you heard that correctly. His was a species that never invades houses; a benign creature that helps break down plant material in an ecosystem. He had no defenses except for one: a chemical cocktail that he sprayed at me when I grabbed him for the first time. Most would find the smell intolerable, but I found that I enjoyed it, strange as that sounds. He survived the journey to Maine, and took up residence in a terrarium in my living room. I fed him fresh apples, grapes, blueberries, and all sorts of fruits and vegetables that he never would have had the chance to dine upon in the wild. Over time, he grew comfortable with me, to the point where he wouldn’t even spray his defensive chemicals at me. Now, a year and eight months later, his life comes to an end. He won’t be forgotten.
ReplyDeleteMy mother always says (never a good way to begin) that I always move aside for others. She doesn't put it quite like that, of course, but nonetheless, she's right. I do tend to let others have their way. Today, I needed to go into town to buy a birthday gift for a friend. I had reminded her yesterday and again this morning, and both times she said that we could go, it wouldn't be a problem. Imagine my surprise when this evening it seemed that she had decided that we needed to go directly home to help my father move the cows. "But you promised," I reminded her. She caved in, and we driving back into town this is what she said. "You know, it's not always about you. You need to take the needs of others into consideration when you make plans like this."
ReplyDeleteI couldn't believe it. It can't be both ways. Here I was, trying to do something for myself for a change (since that's always what she complains about) and she was disappointed in me.
It was a rough drive in.
Over the weekend I went to see some friends from Chewonki who live in Boston. It was really good to see them, but hard because I miss them so much. I ended up talking for a long time with one of them about moving on. He said it was time to move on from the semester. He said it was over and holding on would make me even more sad. I am still tied up in the sadness of wanting to go back. He is right, it is over and it might be the best option to move on. But I was disappointed that it seemed he had let go of the semester so completely. I felt like I was alone in wanting to go back there where I was so happy and free. He made me feel silly for wanting bring Chewonki back into my life at home. Maybe I should be disappointed in him. He is trying to keep the worlds separate, but I think they should be mixed as much as possible. I am sad and a little disappointed he doesn’t see it the same way.
ReplyDeleteAlthough there were :50 seconds still on the clock, everybody in the Civic Center knew the game was over. "That's why we practiced it so much yesterday! You can't let her do that!" my coach screamed at me, but we both knew it was in vain. The play was over and another chance would not come. I had failed to box out on a foul shot and an opposing player had slipped by me and put in the missed shot stretching their lead from 1 to 3 points. The two points were the difference in the game, it was obvious there was not enough time for us to make up such a large deficit. My coach just hung his head after those two sentences, there was nothing more to say. Although I was just a freshman playing in my first basketball play offs and the player who beat me was a senior and one of the best players in the state, I took it hard. To this day, my stomach still balls up in knots when I think about that play. Almost every time I play basketball by myself I think about those two points and the disappointment on my coaches face.
ReplyDeleteI am disappointed in American music. Why has the quality of music devolved so significantly in recent years? A few days ago, I was playing Pandora quietly while I did my tedious math assignment. A song came on called "The Fox" and I looked up from my math homework in complete and utter bewilderment. I could not believe what I was hearing. I immediately texted my friend a link to the song and we agreed that it was horrible but that it must be a joke, as there was no other explanation. I had forgotten about this until today, when I was told that the song had just reached number one on iTunes. The first lyric is, "Dog goes 'woof' Cat goes 'meow' Bird goes 'tweet' And mouse goes 'squeek'." I don't understand how this can be considered music, never mind in comparison to the quality music in America's history, but even alone, this is disappointing. I know I am only 17, but I grew up listening to my parent's music so I feel a stronger connection to Elton John and The Beatles than I do to Hillary Duff and Lil Romeo. I don't have a solution to this problem, nor is there really anyone to blame, so I am blaming the nation as a whole and that is where I am channeling my disappointment.
ReplyDeletePeople are always telling me how quiet I am. As a baby, my parents took this as a compliment, having a baby that did not cry in public was a good thing, but as I grew up, being an introvert became more of a burden than expected. It meant when I was suddenly called on without time to prepare and perfect my answer, I would turn red, not breathe enough, and start to panic. It meant being worried about friendships and what people would think of me if I were too shy to talk them, but worst of all, it meant an impact on my grades. At first, it meant an “A” for “Area of Concern” in class participation, but now, it means, on average, 15% of my grade. I am haunted by that percentage, especially as I am applying to college. I feel disappointed in myself knowing that if I was not born and raised to be an “internal thinker”, I could be 15% better.
ReplyDeleteI really like this, Emily! Well, not the part where you're disappointed you're not 15% better, but I really like how you wrote it. I think it touches on a topic everyone can relate to: that no matter how hard you work you might sometimes fall short. I really like how you explained how being quieter has effected you through the years. I also like the physical description you add of when you get uncomfortable; it really puts me in the your shoes. The last sentence really makes me think; the way you translate grades to just being "better," is both intriguing and saddening because I know that grades don't dictate how inherently "good" someone is, but I think to everyone at some point or another, it really feels like that. Again, really well done.
DeleteFall is usually one of my favorite seasons, but I've grown tired of it this year. This is the first year where I have truly acknowledged just how utterly annoying this weather is because it can't decide if it still wants to be warm or if it's ready to move into winter. It bothers me and I find myself wishing for the snow. The sweet, slow motion of watching the white flakes fall to the ground through the frosted window pane. I yearn for that as I lay in my bed underneath the warm covers. I want to be able to wear a sweater to school in the morning, and not have to take it off by the end of the day. I would just really like it if I didn't have to plan for a sudden spike in temperature. So, please, winter, come faster.
ReplyDelete